bumblebees love cheddar cheese

2011-07-31T20:36:00.000+02:00

aw man i sure feel bad today. sick. ill. i've had a headache all day long and have been sooo cold. i tried to sleep on my couch from like 1pm but was way too cold, so i put on warm clothes and went to bed. i could hardly fall asleep because of the pain and also because i couldn't 'ignore' the two gallants album i was listening to. so i switched it off, had a painkiller and woke up at 5pm because i was too hot. my headache was still persistent and i've been so horribly sleepy and eww all day. i hate being ill.
plus when i told my dad i had a major headache he was being a total princess saying 'what else do you expect from sitting in front of the computer all day?' so i gave him an evil look.
he just keeps claiming stupid stereotypical stuff. my parents aren't really up to date what my doing is considered, they don't know the difference between the tallest man on earth and francis, they have no idea what's going on at school and stuff, just because i never tell them.
they don't seem to pay attention to what i'm saying and because i never explained them everything they have no chance to actually... get it. so it's not my, not their, but our fault.
my family's sort of weird concerning these things. i have no idea about my brother's or parents' doing, and that goes both ways.
i have never properly hugged any of them.

sooo being happy about feeling so rich with my 700CHF, and constantly longing to travel, i figured i'm gonna try couchsurfing when i have my 1000th buck.
i want to travel to sweden, around lake siljan basically, and go to finland. tampere and helsinki.
will be hard to find someone to go with me, geez. but it'll be alright. i can go alone if i have to. northern europe is so fascinating to me.

i hate my hair and need a haircut. jup. but i... i'm scared to get one, sort of. because i'm not interested in another hairy fuckup from my hairdresser.

and i... jag har slutligen skickat mailet jag borde ha skickat till min lärare för flera veckor sedan igår. nu är jag ganska rädd om att han kommer säga att allt är skit och att jag måste börja om. eww.

2011-07-30T18:28:00.001+02:00

I have earned my 700th swiss frank today!
40 hours of work.
well actually I got CHF 697.50 from work. and to fill the gap to satisfaction I decided to clean the house and take all the money I find - which ended up being CHF 2.30.
So I'm gonna ask my mum to give me CHF 0.20 for my work in the house, and that'll make the 700 complete. yeahhhh!

heeheehe.

2011-07-19T20:47:00.001+02:00

(Interview courtesy of the lovely folk over at The Line of Best Fit)

For people out there that have never heard of you. Give us three reasons why they should?

We allow you to:
1. Sing as false as you'd like
2. Dance that strange dance you only do alone in your bedroom
3. Clap your hands out of time.

Preferably everything at the same time.

Tell us a little about where you're from. Do your surroundings affect the music that you create?

The area of Dalarna, Sweden where we live is beautiful, but boring. We are ugly, but fun.

If you could have played on or written any song, what would it be?

“In kommer Gösta” by Philemon Arthur and the Dung or ”Istället för musik: förvirring” by Bob Hund.

How did the band come into being? And where did the name come from?

We were bored and ugly back then too. But we wanted to have fun and get laid. Francis is someone we once knew.

What is the most memorable gig you have played, and what can we expect of your live set at Ja Ja Ja?

Perhaps when we played in New York and they threatened to call the cops on us. You might be able to expect the same thing.

If you were asked to curate your own Ja Ja Ja night, which three acts would you choose and why?

A rapbattle between Swedish actor Mikael Persbrandt and Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen together with Björk as a DJ. Altogether with finnish Eurovision Song Contest dancers and choreography by Lars von Trier. It would have been quite something. If that isn't enough to make people come, Lars Ulrich could sell tickets while threatening to sue everyone who doesn't show up.

We’d like you to make us a Nordic themed mix-tape. Which five tracks would you choose?

The Tallest Man on Earth – Where Do My Bluebird Fly
Jaw Lesson – Rats And Rifles
Good Morning June – A Blackboard
1900 – Den Minsta Av Segrar
Huoratron – Dollar Dollar Troopers

2011-07-15T21:38:00.000+02:00

francis again
because they are incredible
apparently they named their band after a departed friend of theirs and i assume it's the same person they sing about in time on our side.
here's a few pictures of the greastest band around;

i have somewhat of a girl crush on petra. she's the coooooolest

2011-07-14T15:44:00.000+02:00

jag gick att handla i ikea idag och köpe en ny soffa. flyttade några möblar och nu bor jag i ett helt nytt rum! yay!

2011-07-13T13:18:00.000+02:00

here's what i've been messing around with, all photos taken by me april/may 2010 in barcelona, spain

2011-07-13T10:36:00.002+02:00

part 1 - so yesterday, the tallest man on earth's 'weather of a killing kind' was released though it had been floating around on youtube long before,
and it sure looks like the earth doesn't mess with things like that. it's been a while since i last witnessed a thunderstorm like the one from today 3.12am... holy shit. was really cool. i admit being a little scared but i think i still loved it. i feel safe inside these walls.

part 2 - i had an accident with my knee a little over a month ago at this festival and had to go to the hospital and all that shit, and now i'm also attending physiotherapy twice a week. and the problem is now less my knee than my pelvis and my spine. I had a pretty terrible accident 5 years ago (I'm perfectly fine now) and I broke my tigh there amongst other injuries, and - long story short - the bone in my tigh sort of stopped growing so one of my legs is now shorter than the other one and I have what they call an oblique pelvis position and will probably be getting scoliosis if this isn't corrected. that means make the sole of one of my shoes higher but do I want to do that for the rest of my life, not really
I wonder if this could be corrected in a surgery but then again I'm not too keen on getting even more scars than I have now.
and the ache I have in my back scares me now.

part 3 - 2011's been such a good year. music-wise but also... life-wise. and thinking about good decisions that i made, learning swedish is definitely one. it's... just... ett jätteroligt språk. and i can now understand what is said on the radio which i remember was not possible a few months ago. i rock. thanks to a little help of my friends. the ones from sweden.

2011-07-12T12:09:00.001+02:00

i love kristian matsson, amanda bergman and petra mases and jerker henriksson and petter nygårdh and tim grundtman SO MUCH.

SWEDEN I LOVE YOU SO

plus i think i found a way to stop biting my nails. i paint them, even if or because it looks stupid. when i see my crippled green fingernails i realize they'd look so much better if they were long and i haven't bitten them in a day or two which is a sad but huge progress.

and i started to drink coffee in order to get away from... i don't know. just a new little habit.

also, i edited some photos i took years ago and some came out rather cool

2011-07-09T20:16:00.000+02:00

this is how i won an unwashed shirt worn by the tallest man on earth! plus the tallest man on earth ep, shallow grave, king of spain single and the wild hunt! i'm extremely excited about my prize.
his shirt smells awesome.

2011-07-07T11:18:00.002+02:00

here's to francis.

2011-07-06T23:41:00.002+02:00

http://muhrgalleri.area81.se/#11

hahahha.

2011-06-13T13:34:00.001+02:00

i have an immense amount of love for that little swedish band, francis.
ohhhh.

2011-05-29T20:00:00.001+02:00

while i'm waiting for my downloads to finish, which will take hours, i'm going to write about the BEST DAY IN MY LIFE SO FAR, which i will refer to as BDIMLSF, may 27th, 2011.

before the beginning: i found out about kristian matsson playing a show in switzerland by chance and was so tempted to go, but wasn't sure whether i should go alone, as i had nobody who shares my musical tastes. well these doubts soon were gone - i'd rather go alone than miss this!
i got to the festival in time to see FRANCIS play. they weren't actually scheduled for the festival, but were the replacement for another band. i was sooo happy to see them, they were awesome.
kristian was scheduled for 8pm, and francis played until 6pm, so after their show, i went over to the main stage and watched akron/family play.
i figured kristian might come out for soundcheck in the hour after akron/family and before his show, so i lurked around there, not really doing anything, when i saw petra, the singer of francis, smoke a cigarette in front of the stage. after a short moment of hesitation i walked up to her and said i loved their performance and we started talking about everything and nothing when suddenly, kristian walked onstage. he was wearing this cute grey woolen sweater, black skinny jeans (his legs are about twice as skinny as i imagined them to be!) and his boots of spanish leather. he was smoking a cigarette and carried a beer in his hand, and sort of started setting stuff up.
i couldn't control myself from then on, and as i was still talking to petra i said things like 'i love him so much' and told her i only came to the festival because of him. so then she was like 'hej kille, she's here for you!' and kristian came to the front of the stage, got on his knees, we shook hands, he said 'i'm kristian, nice to meet you', i said 'very very nice to meet you too, i'm daniela' and he said 'hope you'll enjoy the show' and i said 'i sure will!' and he said 'just setting some stuff up here' and i said 'if you need help, i'm here ^^' and he mumbled something like 'yeah...no, it's alright'.
so there he was moving around amps and such, and i was standing there with petra and asked her if she thought it was alright if i took some pictures, and she said 'sure, if they don't have to pose...' and i said 'they're hot enough like that.' and started taking pictures of kristian while petra said she'd go 'shake to the sounds'.
so there i was - the only one! - enjoying the view. kristian was so close all the time but i didn't dare to bother him with an autograph or anything, as he seemed very concentrated. he tuned all of his guitars, walked back and forth, i was there watching from the best spot anyone could have had.
so soon the place was filling up with people, and i was glad i was there so early. while waiting, i started talking to a boy and a girl who were also fans, and they were pretty cool. we bitched about queens of the stone age.
after a while, håkan hellström's 'för sent för edelweiss' came on, and those who have been to a tallest man show before know it's a good sign when this song starts playing.
and there he was right in front of me. kristian matsson. aahhh. he started the set with 'i won't be found', followed by 'the gardener'. i was on cloud nine the whole time and sang along to every song, and the guys from francis i spotted on the side of the stage saw it and smiled all the time. i couldn't believe this was happening. we had eye contact about three or four or maybe five times. when he was playing 'love is all', he kneeled in front of me and towards the end of the song, i said 'i love you. so much' and he said 'thank you' and smiled and finished the song for me, like he does sometimes - go really close to an audience member and play.
i'm not sure if it was right after that, but before shallow grave, he said (not in the mic but still in front of me) 'this is the first song i've ever written', came a little closer to me and showed me where he played it, 'played right down here.' - shallow grave followed.
another cool moment was when he played 'king of spain' and 'the dreamer' with the band and gave the bass player a hug after both songs. soon after that, he said 'two more songs' and went to tune his guitar, so i said 'ten more! a billion!' and i could see him smile again, but he didn't react. he really only played two more.
i spotted amanda bergman on the side of the stage towards the end of the concert and got so excited, though i already knew she'd be here thanks to petra.
so kristian started playing 'thrown right at me', and when amanda came out, i started cheering like crazy and everyone followed. that was cool. when she left, we cheered again, kristian said 'thank you sweet people and thank you amanda' and i knew the time for my special surprise had come - a soft little teddy bear with a note attached to it. i put it on stage in fron of him, and when he saw it, he had this enchanted smile on his face... and looked at me and pointed to it
and formed a 'for me? from you?' with his lips -
i nodded and smiled, and he came up to me...
and kneeled down right in front of me...
and gave me a hug. i bet it was over ten seconds long.

at first, none of us said anything, then i started with a 'thank you sooo much, this means so much to me' and he said 'thank you SO much' and then he stood up, picked the teddy up and took a bow in front of the audience with my teddy in his hands. and walked off, leaving a loudly cheering audience behind. and a girl that was the happiest possible.

here's a video i made so you get an idea of how close he was

2011-05-28T09:52:00.002+02:00

I GOT A HUG AND A HANDSHAKE AND STUFF FROM TTMOE AND I AM SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY THAT I NEED TO GET BACK TO NORMAL AGAIN BEFORE I CAN TYPE NORMALLY

2011-05-27T10:24:00.001+02:00

tallest man on earth tonight... whoa. jippee.

2011-05-03T19:57:00.001+02:00

this is what i show people when they ask me what perfection is

2011-05-02T19:36:00.001+02:00

2011-04-29T16:28:00.003+02:00

Har du sett nån knulla nån gång?

http://ruutha.blogg.se/2009/october/draft-okt-26-2009.html

En gång när jag var åtta år var jag påväg hem från skolan och då mötte jag en man. Han var gammal och skrynligt grå med basker och stappliga ben. Han frågade mig om jag hade sett hans hund som hade sprungit bort. Den var liten och luddigt vit, sa han. "Kom hit" sa han. Och haltade mot mig. "Kom ska du få se på hunden, jag har den här på bild." Och jag gick nära honom för att titta på bilden och han la sin gamla gubbarm runt mig och visade mig fotot på sin hund. Men det var ingen hund på bilden, det var en kvinna som låg naken i en säng med benen brett isär. "Har du sett nån knulla nån gång?" frågade han med ena armen slingrad runt min åttaåriga axel.

Jag var chockad i flera år. Det hände egentligen inget mer än att han ställde frågan och jag slet mig loss och sprang hem. Vi polisanmälde men inget hände såklart. Förutom att jag resterande delen av min barndom cyklade livsfarligt fort genom byn sena kvällar och vände mig miljontals gånger om på vägen hem från skolan varje, varje dag. I flera år var jag rädd för män med basker och hjärtat stannade med jämna mellanrum. För alla gamla gubbar har ju basker.

När jag blev äldre jobbade jag i butik och ibland kom han in och handlade i min kassa. "Det blir 39 och 50 och sätt gärna kycklingbenet på tvären i halsen och kvävs ihjäl gubbjävel" ville jag säga. Men sa ingenting. Tills en dag.

En dag var jag ensam med honom i butiken. Det var bara han och jag i hela butiken. Ingen annan, bara han och jag. Och jag visste att det var nu eller aldrig. Så då sa jag: "Du om du vill veta varför jag alltid är så otrevlig mot dig så är det för att du kom fram till mig en gång när jag var liten och frågade om jag hade sett nån knulla nån gång."

Han tittade på mig som om ögonen skulle ramla ut ur huvudet. Stammade fram: "Nej, men vad är det du säger? Det har jag aldrig gjort, vad är det du säger?! Du blandar ihop mig med någon annan." Och jag tittade den lilla, lilla mannen i de blanka, äckliga ögonen och sa:
"Nej, du. Jag blandar inte ihop dig med någon. Det var du som kom fram till mig när jag var liten och la armen om mig och frågade om jag hade sett någon knulla någon gång. Jag minns inte fel. Jag minns dig. Och jag vill att du ska veta det."

Och han tog darrigt sin påse med grejer och haltade fort, fort ut ur butiken med sina gamla äckelgubb-ben. Och mitt hjärta slog så hårt i bröstet att jag höll på att svimma. Men herregud vad den åttaåriga tjejen i mig high five:ade. Så hårt att det bränns i handflatan än idag.

2011-04-29T13:08:00.002+02:00

life is awesome because i have a day off and will be spending it reading a book i got from the library yesterday. it's in swedish. i've only read the introduction so far but i understood it quite well. i think i might not get the story though, but oh well. the book's called män som hatar kvinnor or in english the girl with the dragon tattoo, and reading it is my own personal challenge. i'm not fond of that kind of books with murder and people trying to solve these crimes and all but since this is such a praised book i decided to give it a shot.

i'll see how it goes. i originally planned to spend today riding trains but it turned out to be a lazy day. i haven't had any of these in too long. guess i will fall asleep reading as i always do...

if i were to write an entry in my diary now, it would look like this:
dear diary,
yesterday was a pain in the ass. it started with my mum waking me up and me going 'i don't have to go to school now, do i?' straight away. it just came out like that. so yeah guess what my mood was haha...
i nearly missed my train because i had to prepare this pineapple for lunch, but i managed to be on time. if i'd left home only a minute later it wouldn't have ended like that. skills!
all i did in class was talk to my friend, so it was not really informative, but fun.
and lunchbreak ruined my day. it's when my mood stopped to just ignore the 'little things' that sometimes make you want to say something. like 'JUST DO IT THAT F'ING WAY ALREADY, YOU'VE BEEN MESSING AROUND WITH THIS SHIT FOR AGES NOW' to complicated people, but you have to keep quiet in order not to hurt their feelings anyway. and my friend told me about something that bothers me even if it's totally... nothing i'd be bothered by too much normally. she told me that when i went to her house to have dinner several months ago her mum was THIS CLOSE to telling me to take off my hat because it's impolite to keep it on while eating. well my excuse was my greasy hair. and boom, i'm fine with it. but she said it like an accusion, which i dislike. like it was really really wrong to do it.
but my hair was greasy and i feel really uncomfortable that way. so my hat was my protection. anyway... we worked on this project all afternoon and it was absolutely annoying and exhausting so that i was in quite a bad mood when class was over. the fact that when i checked the time and it was 5pm, i realized i'd be home in 6 hours time didn't really help me get better. but somehow i just seemed to need a break from people, and when they all left and went home i got what i needed, and it was alright soon.
in fact i didn't really want to be alone. i felt that need of talking to someone, but the person i would have wanted to talk to was the girl who was the main reason my mood was bad, so i... was confused.

in swedish class i started talking to people, they're becoming buds of mine and i'm not as isolated anymore, so that was cool. bummer, though, is that class is too easy but i don't wanna change it again because i only just did that and left people i'd started to get in touch with and had to start all over. oh well.

2011-04-25T20:06:00.004+02:00

since i'm learning swedish and this is my blog and nobody else's, i'm going to post a story i wrote today and yesterday. it goes something like this:

Det var en gång en liten kille med ett stort hjärta.
Inte någon talade med honom eftersom de gillade inte hur han tittade på de med sina stora mörkbruna ögon och log även när någon skällade ut honom.
Gjorde han det eftersom han var för litet för att förstå någonting?
Alla tyckte han lyssnade inte på vad man sa eftersom han svarade aldrig. Han log bara.
Byn var killen som hette Bo bodde var liten och ointressant. För att kunna se något av livet beslutade han att lämna hemet. Allt han behövde på väg var havregryn, en butelj med vatten och ett glas var han kunde innehålla tankar, ångestar och drömmer han kunde inte dela med någon på väg.
Så gick Bo snart ut i världen utan att någon visste om det.

Med varje steg Bo tog blev distansen mellan honom och sitt gamla liv större.
Snart försvann sin by efter horisonten och Bo visste inte längre var han var. Nu började aventyret.
Bo tittade på himlen och såg fåglar som flög över sitt huvud genom blå himmlen. Från och med då var han säkert att han hade bästa vägarna kvar.
För att inte tappa orienteringen i stora världen beslutade han att alltid följa solen. Den blev sin enda vän. När solen skinade kännde Bo sig bra eftersom han visste att sin kompis var med honom.

Så vandrade han hela dagen och upplevde mycket. Kanske mer än några människor i deras helt liv.
Sina stora mörkbruna ögon tog in allting han såg som en svamp, och varje natt satt Bo under ett träd, tittade på stjärnhimlen, öppnade sitt glas och läggade in sina tankar. Ju längre Bo var på väg desto värdefullare blev glaset. Ju längre han var på väg desto mer märkte han att livet var något speciellt, en gåva.
Inte från gud men från naturen. Bo trodde inte på gud.
Han hade lärit att bara tro vad han såg med sina egna ögon. Han hade sett blommor som grodde och vissnade, han hade sett månen och solen gå upp och ner, men han hade aldrig sett gud.

När han var i byn hade han träffat många människor som visste inte om att allt som var viktig var att vara sig själv och inte lyssna på vad man kunde tänka om vad man gjorde.
Nu att han var ensam kunde han lära känna sig själv mycket bättre.
Det kändes mycket bra att han kunde komma loss människorna han hade varit omgiven av varje dag.
Men han visste att han måste gå tillbaka ändå för att se vad hade hänt i byn.
Sitt glass och också sitt huvud var fullt med upplevelser.
Tiden för att ga hem hade kommit.

Så var Bo på väg tillbaka igen. Han kunde följa sitt hjärta för att hitta väg hem och behövde inte längre sin kompis, solen.
Han log tacksamt när han kännde solskenen på sin kropp och gick hem.

En morgon alltså var han hemma. Byn hade inte förvandlat.
Alla erkände honom och snart undrade varför Bo hade ett tomt glass i handen. „Glaset är inte tomt, det är jättefullt av saker man kan inte se. Öppna era hjärter och sedan kommer ni att förstå.“
Snart kom alla som var i närheten att se vad Bo gjorde med glaset.
En cirkel formade och Bo var omgiven av människorna som hade aldrig talat med honom innan. Då började Bo att berätta vad han hade sett och upplevt. Han berättade som nu att han visste hur viktig
det var att förstå naturen och att vara en med världen, han kunde förstå livet bättre.
Och han skulle vilja dela sin förståelse med alla så de kunde komma att förstå också.
Interesserad lyssnade alla på Bo tills han var färdig och glaset med upplevelser var verkligen tomt.
„Människorna måste lära att livet är perfekt“, sa Bo.
„Perfekt exakt som den är nu. Och om ni glömmer det eller tror mig inte, gå ut och se med era egna ögon! Det finns ju så mycket att se.“ Och då lutade han huvudet bakåt, log igen – nu, alla visste varför - och sedan skrattade åt himmlen.
Först, han var den enda, men snart mer tog del och efter en liten stund, alla skrattade tillsammans som en stor familj.

awww. what a cute ending.

2011-04-25T11:27:00.000+02:00

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Janglin

2011-04-24T22:56:00.001+02:00

this is such a fun, relaxing and positive song. i need to post it here. it gets me every time i listen to it. awesome.

2011-04-23T23:35:00.000+02:00

2011-04-23T23:08:00.002+02:00

this blog needs more of him. I can't believe a man like him exists. doaaaaahhh. best looking man ever - I think I need to elaborate on the major crush I have on him. but I don't know what to say. how do you describe something as perfect? he just puts a big smile on my face. being the down-to-earth guy he is. mhh. i love me some matsson

2011-04-22T13:26:00.000+02:00

Disclaimer: THIS IS GOING TO BE A POSITIVE BLOG FROM NOW ON
because life is awesome and perfect and I am now going to post positive stuff at least once a week to explain why life is good.
today's reason is him: kristian matsson, the tallest man and best musician on earth. imagine how dope it would be to see him live - oh wait, I have tickets!
I hadn't had musical eargasms in quite a while after my obsession for the red hot chili peppers got better and I stopped listening to john frusciante for no reason other than I broadened my musical mind. and I came across this man who is truly amazing and leaves me with an astounded look on my face. thankyou so much for existing and see you on may 27th

2011-03-13T10:43:00.001+01:00

i'm not feeling it. writing a detailled post, that is. but i'll force myself to do so. to capture this wonderful wonderful moment.
so what happened is i went to this lecture of the drummer who plays in one of my favourite bands. he read from a book called exit mundi, describing possible end-of-the-world-scenarios.
the book itself was alright, nothing i would read personally, but he did an awesome job at presenting it with a lot of humour - the lecture started about half an hour late due to technical issues which were not fixed when he came onstage yet. when he pushed a button to let a baby voice tell a joke, it didn't work, but he dealt with it.
we heard a lot of jokes, applauded when he pronounced difficult words correctly. and when he said 'sex-determining region Y gene' like a sexy mofo. about three times in a row.
there were also silly movies, 'original footage from back when the dinosaurs died, was found in a cave'
hahaha
we laughed so much. i had a never fading smile on my face the whole time.
especially when he looked at me with his sexy eyes
the highlights for me were when i filmed him and he suddenly started to wave like crazy, explaining 'i'm waving at a camera filming new material for youtube' and i said 'since 10 minutes' and he repeated 'since teeeen minutes' and then said something about how sad it was people were filming stuff and watching what happens through the small screen instead of experiencing what's happening first hand, and how when he was young he did go to concerts where he just rocked it without being concerned about cameras.
heehehe.
the lecture was looong. we (me and a friend of mine) thought it'd be two hours long, not more, but it ended up being 4. we missed the last train and had to call my mother to come pick us up at 1am, which she did, angel she is.
well now. he ended the show with a song with... weird lyrics but the chorus was from the REM song in german, it's the end of the world as we know it'. i headbanged. hehehee.
then, we were wondering how we could get home, and i was a little bitter i didn't get to get an autograph or anything. but then i saw some technician guy on stage and went up to him to ask whether we'd get to see bela b. again, and booooom
he said yeah. and we went over to the merchandise place and waited there
and bela came and walked past me. went to the counter thing. we were told pictures without flashlight were ok. my friend had her picture taken. then, somebody else got to go to him. and then it was my turn. i don't remember for sure what i had autographed first, my arm or my book, but i did talk a looooot. haha. i said something like i love you i love you can you sign my arm
and he did, and i said it was gonna be a tattoo but an ugly one haha and he said 'it's not gonna be ugly'
or something about selling my skin on ebay
and my friend said she wasn't gonna do this
theeen i told him about this book i have to read, studienbuch linguistik, and how much i hated it but have to read it anyway and he could make it at east a little more enjoyable by signing it, and he did. he wrote 'read, baby, read! you have to :(' and signed. aawwww.
then my friend took a picture of the two of us AND HE KINDA HUGGED ME. meeelt.
his technician friend thing told us to fuck off because we kinda blocked everything, and off we went.
happy.
very, very very happy.

2011-03-12T12:16:00.001+01:00

HAPPY
I MET
A ROCKSTAR
BELA B.

details to come

2011-01-15T20:42:00.002+01:00

people do call me silly or weird a lot. even teachers do. so it must have some truth in it... I still don't see why though. being happy and making jokes doesn't make a person silly, does it?

2011-01-14T20:17:00.001+01:00

I developped a dreadlock fetish

2011-01-13T22:44:00.002+01:00

I like to take deep breaths from time to time. I do it every morning at around the same time. the wrong time, I may say. mostly when I'm around some horrible air-polluter or cat shit or similar.

2011-01-04T23:38:00.000+01:00

this is why I love dave grohl

2011-01-04T22:58:00.000+01:00

sometimes when I see a baby somewhere, I really want to give up my life so far and have one too
sometimes when I watch my friend dance at some event and see her father recording her performance I wish I were good at anything too so people could be proud and jealous of me
sometimes I wish I were more beautiful
sometimes I wish I knew why people laugh at me when they do and won't say why
sometimes I wish I were better at anything I do
or more helpful and nice

but that's only sometimes... I'm ok most of the time

2010-12-31T00:00:00.000+01:00

facebook. my friend just joined a group called 'and it all began with a friend request heart heart heart heart...'
that, ladies and gentlemen, makes me want to throw right up.
to puke.
to vomit.

I may be a facebook addict myself, but I still draw that line between that little online world and actual life. not everybody does whereas I do emphasise this separation a lot.
at school pretty much every single person has got an account. so you always know what's going on. you're a part of people's lives even if you don't necessairly want to know about their unveiling passion for sunday dinners prepared on a dusty roof, you just know.
at least my brain soakes this shit up like a sponge. and I'm informed about the world of binge drinking babies even if I don't give a damn.
'did you read that status update? gossip gossip blah blah gossip!'
'have you seen her hoe photos? she's only 13! if I were... blah blah gossip gossip!'
'A and B are in a relationship now! gossip blah gossip blah!'
come on.
if that's what the world's moving towards, I'm outta here.

2010-12-24T16:41:00.000+01:00

so I was supposed to help my grandma with christmas dinner preparations this afternoon. I did that, and my mum, who was also present, randomly told me grandpa wasn't doing good. you could hear him breathe and cough in his room. when he came downstairs to pee, I first avoided to see him but eventually had to help him walk to the kitchen. his whole body was shaking and he had nil force. when he picked up his mug to sip on his tea, he spilled half of it, and seemed mentally absent.
this was horrible to see. but apparently it should get worse. me and my mum had to help him go back upstairs, and because some guy fixing our coffee machine was in our appartment across the street my mum had to go back and left me alone with him.
grandpa, once we arrived at his room, took off his shoes all shaky again and tried to arrange the sheets or something. I had to help him. he then carefully sat down on his bed and moaned. I had to help him properly lay down, which is when he remarked he was thirsty. I promised to bring him a glass of water after I'd covered him, which is what I did.
when I got back to his room. he was there in is bed like a little kid, shaking and stuttering. I put his tea and water and beer which was what he'd drunk before next to his bed on a table. he thanked me and was just there saying 'if I died right now, I would be okay with that.'
I said I would not and told him to let me know if he needed anything.
he said 'merry christmas.'
I didn't want to bother him anymore, so I went out of the room. and started to cry.
went over to my house after trying to hide my tears, and had a shower. just so I could say 'I got shampoo in my eyes' when asked about it.
I got a sample of what it could be like to lose a beloved family member, and it's nothing I like. at all.

2010-12-18T19:39:00.001+01:00

I'm getting a swedish wordbook for christmas. I got an advisor for my final thesis who was kind enough to enable me to do that swedish thing. I'm looking forward to starting out.
I feel I'm gonna do awesome. I'm extremely motivated and my advisor is awesome, there's no way I'd wanna disappoint him, so I'll work hard and succeed.
just for the record, I'm trying to learn swedish as a final thesis thing.
the idea flashed on me on like monday and on tuesday I went to ask my spanish teacher whether it was possible to learn a language as a final thesis and she was like 'me parece una idea phenomenal!' but added I'd have to find a teacher who speaks swedish to help me with it. and suggested me a math teacher. went to ask him, he said no, I almost buried my plan and suddenly mr. guardian angel came to help me.

2010-12-14T20:05:00.002+01:00

blogger told me this was my 100th post on here. woe!
it's bound to be filled with happy news. I signed up for a swedish course today.

2010-12-06T20:02:00.000+01:00

fail! I bit my nails yesterday. all of them :-(
and we taked to our teacher about his lessons. and I was the one who had to start talking and what I said sounded like an accusion... that wasn't what it was supposed to sound like. double fail.
I feel bad about myself for several reasons. triple fail.
school is to be neglected these days. quartiple fail.
I have no idea how to spell quartiple or if it's a word at all. quintiple fail.
(same here)

2010-12-05T09:35:00.000+01:00

if there is one thing I love besides john frusciante, cats, yogurt, peas or books, it's got to be fingerstyle guitar. it's hard to find anything quite like it.
fingerstyle enables playing what sounds like two guitars together, and this boy is good at it. sungha jung. he's only 14 years old, has been playing for a, compared to his skills, very short time, but one can see what dedication can lead you to:

he's got the best idol he possibly could:

#30

2010-11-30T17:36:00.000+01:00

ah, finally. FINALLY.
the final post.
it's about me biting my nails for ... wait I already posted this.
well my mum told me she'd pay me a trip to England if I grow them, and I've been doing good for 2 days now already.
that is SOMETHING.

#29

2010-11-29T20:17:00.001+01:00

the topic for my final thesis is set! yeah!
I'm comparing different kinds of humor, anything else isn't sure yet.
now I need to find a teacher who'd want to help me with it. might be hard

#28

2010-11-28T10:27:00.003+01:00

woke up to find one of my fish I got yesterday dead
thanks. -.-

woke up to find a looooooot of snow outside
mhm

and had the bestest dream ever

I'm very much of a move-on person, as I found out. I feel like giving away my old stuff I don't need anymore, stuff that might make others happy (very much inspired by the red hot chili peppers-cds I got) and this old stuff may include gifts I got. why would I keep this elephant thing in the depths of my closet when I could give it away and make somebody happy with it?
my mum burst in my room, I told her I wanted to give away a pile of books and other suff on my floor, and she came to be a little moralist about how you just generally DON'T give away stuff you got from somebody else. this may be partly true, but it depends on how you look at it. are you going to keep billions of useless items just for the sake of it, or are you going to find somebody who might like it.
I'd rather keep memories than stuffed animals or books, whatsoever.

also, other story, I've been biting my nails for most of my life. I bet at least since I was 7. makes 10 years, then. I think I do it without purpose, bad habit, but I can't live without it. my mum always says (I feel like forrest gump typing this) I must have some psychological issues, which I deny. because I'm fine. she also asks me what problems I had, and I reply saying I fell in love with this cat and silly things like that. it's all based on superficialness. thinking about it, though, I may have problems that don't appear so I would call them real issues, but they may affect my subconscious:
the lack of ambition in my doing - school. not the obligatory years but the additional ones I unfortunately decided to add. I can't see where it's leading me because, that has to be said, I'm anxious to flunk. and would have wasted three years.
being overweight in my normal weight family - my mum keeps complaining about being too fat and always tries to lose weight, whatever, so I am constantly surrounded by the importance of physical appearance. either she overemphasises it or I underemphasise it.
and things like that. I'm sure there are more.

#27

2010-11-27T20:59:00.000+01:00

finally the 27th. three more to go and I'll be free.
I spent today with a part of my family I don't see that often, it was lovely. we made Christmas decoration, I might post pictures later.
waiting for a phonecall by a classmate. I don't like that.

#26

2010-11-26T20:19:00.001+01:00

I. hate. animal. baiters
and we saw a birth in biology class
weaw
like they filmed the delivering woman kinda upside down so you could see her vagina and you could see how the baby's head was coming out and it looked so painful and gross

#25

2010-11-25T17:13:00.001+01:00

ahah aha aha.
I'm playing bass
it's going alright

#24

2010-11-24T17:08:00.001+01:00

waaah. snow. it's not cool to ride a motorcycle when it's snowing and you don't really have gloves. plus I could hardly see anthing at all at times. brbrbbrr.
luckily, the same guy as yesterday managed to warm my heart with his generosity.
I got two more albums from him. just like that! I'd almost forgotten people like him existed. just giving away things that make other people extremely happy. and not asking for anything in return.
my day-week-month-maker. definitely early christmas for me! awww.
god bless him.

#23

2010-11-23T17:07:00.000+01:00

ANGELS DO EXIST.
my friend's brother gave her two red hot chili peppers records so she could give them to me at school. just like that! I don't even really know him and...
this is sooooo nice and generous. hero of the week

#22

2010-11-22T20:15:00.003+01:00

aaah. it's the procrastinator in me speaking.

#21

2010-11-21T16:40:00.003+01:00

due to being a bad student concerning taking home schoolwork in order to be able to study at all, I may have to cut all my internet activities until Thursday next week.
buuut. I just realized I don't want to stop this a post a day just like that...

last night I had a cream cheese dream
like, I was sitting in class, in another classes classroom. and suddenly two girls from the opposite room burst in and were like 'WHO STOLE OUR CREAM CHEESE? WHERE IS IT?' and they were very agressive. nobody had it, and just as they were going out to get their teacher, I checked the little tray underneath the table and found the cream cheese there. so I grabbed it and called the girl, she turned around and sort of took the cream cheese, and even when she got it she wouldn't let go off my arm. I tried to pull it back but she firmly held it and took me to the opposite classroom where all the tables were set up to a huge solemn table. everybody was sitting around there and the girl who'd brought me there was like 'SHE FOUND THE CREAM CHEESE!' and, as she was still holding my arm, sort of raised it so I looked like I was cheering, you know. and everybody cheered. I was scared she'd accuse me of stealing it but luckily she didn't.
after that the teacher talked to me but I don't remember what he said, and I went back to my classroom and woke up

#20

2010-11-20T16:17:00.002+01:00

when studying math turns into a desperate act of sorting out notes and papers...
not phat.

ah, anyway.
my hair is screwed.
my legs are screwed.
my fingernails are screwed.
my toes are screwed.
my skin is screwed.
my eyes are screwed.
my...
I'm screwed.
that's someone calling for inner self-confidence right here who complains about shit when she's got nothing else to do as if it were any important.

#19

2010-11-19T20:32:00.000+01:00

when I said I was going to dedicate all my future expenses to the RHCP, I meant I'm saving money, of course. not even getting a cup of coffee in the breaks.

today's been fairly dreary. but alright.
I've been positive about my life recently, expecting changes that never occured. thinking about how I could change my life to the more exciting, I figured I'd just have to spend less time at my computer and read, for instance. I have so many books waiting to be read. but I can't get my lazy ass up.

sleep has gained importance. yet I get less of it. and instead of going to bed earlier (23.30 has become normal whereas 21.30 used to be fine), I sleep in class. especially when we're watching a movie. that just makes me drift away to the land of dreams. I can't help it. and mostly close my eyes with the intention of tanking energy for the upcoming class - I sleep during an educational movie in biology in order to stay awake in math. seems like a balanced deal to me.

in less than a month, I'll have to figure out the topic of my Maturaarbeit. the final paper to graduate. and I have no clue as to what I could write about.

#18

2010-11-18T19:54:00.000+01:00

with this post, I dedicate 90% of my future expenses to the red hot chili peppers. they're going to tour in 2011, and I'm so going to every show I can.
even abroad.
they were confirmed to play in brazil on MY 18TH BIRTHDAY which causes me to smile 24/7. it's happening. after 6 years of fandom without a concert, it's happening. they're confirmed. whaaaaaaaaaaw!

best part is, my parents didn't forbid me to even travel abroooad to see them! just no festivals, please

#17

2010-11-17T20:03:00.003+01:00

I might go to school without and come home WITH a bass tomorrow! fingers crossed!

#16

2010-11-16T21:28:00.001+01:00

I've come to make my mind up on politics quite a bit today.
there was this debate on some voting template at my friend's school today, and I decided to go with her. really insightful and interesting stuff.

I need to spend more time reading actual books than surfing on the internet. definitely. I still have Gone With The Wind waiting for me, as well as Huckleberry Finn and ... more

#15

2010-11-15T20:37:00.000+01:00

fuck
a baby was found dead in a house today...
in a nearby village
so many bad things are happening recently
I certainly don't feel safe anymore.

#14

2010-11-14T16:33:00.002+01:00

november's halfway gone and I have not seen one single flake of snow yet. this makes me HAAAAAAAAPPY.
I just came back from a walk with my parents and our stinky little big dog. the weather was marvellous, like in june. (not really june, but you get the idea)
I took my camera with me and sort of forced my parents to let me take what I called pairing pictures.
photos starring mummy and daddy. I made them hide behind a tree and strike a james bond pose. even though they're not really into taking pictures, I think they thought it was fun.
you could really see how the child in them came to life again.. awww

greatest accomplishment of the day: I GOT A KISSING PICTURE! daughter, 17, makes parents, 100 (together) kiss in front of mountains. jeeeh. this is going to be a wicked christmas present.
(admittedly, I'll have to elaborate it, but it'll be fine)

#13

2010-11-13T09:53:00.000+01:00

getting tired of posting daily...

#12

2010-11-12T21:06:00.003+01:00

I love this weather
it's a perfect storm
just keep it coming in its perfect form

something's wrong with my right foot. it hurts and feels kind of numb at the same time when I stress it too much, I haven't really figured it out yet. I went to workout 3 glorious times this week and had PE at school twice - makes daily exercise. it feels good to have done this, but admittedly my muscles are sore! I'm a bit disappointed in my activity today but my foot messed my goals up. I wonder if I need to see a doctor to fix it, I'm sure it's a long-term sequelae from this accident I suffered. my legs ended up not being the same length, also when I stand still and straight I'm not actually straight but it feels like it for me. so my legs are crooked. and apparently this is too much for them, which I hate.

#11

2010-11-11T17:47:00.002+01:00

I'm divorced from the image I've created, but nobody believes it

#10

2010-11-10T20:22:00.000+01:00

WORKOUT TODAY WAS AWESOME
I'm exhausted and just soooooo pleased. going to have a good night's sleep.
apparently some local store was robbed today. a guy with a hat and sunglasses on just walked in there with a rifle, and as there's this place where they practise shooting sport (if that's a word) nearby, the saleswoman first thought he was one of them. but when he pointed his rifle at her not anymore.
I am petrified of this kind of crime. absolutely scared. I am soooooooooooo sorry for that poor saleswoman. if I imagine I were her I just get goosebumps.
years ago, a nearby bank was robbed and the culprits managed to escape on a motorcycle which they threw in a forest I used to walk past daily - I was exteremely scared of that place I tried to avoid it for years.

I just lose confidence in places where this kind of things happen. all I feel are bad vibes. it's like as soon as a crime of this kind is committed, it turns into a place of evil...

#9

2010-11-09T21:40:00.000+01:00

me, the bible carrier. I had RE today and when I went into the classroom, the teacher was like 'Daniela, if you help me carry those bibles to the classroom, they're in my office.' so I reluctantly followed him (I don't like him too hot, in fact I assume he hates me), got like 8 bibles and walked back to the classroom, wondering what everybody was thinking of me. after class, I had to bring them back. and they fell on the floor.

#8

2010-11-08T18:24:00.000+01:00

46 more days till Christmas. maybe.
it's funny who people meet on the train. we got on it at rush hour, which is always a pleasure, and sat down next to some youngsters. the girl next to me had black hair and I assumed it might be my brother's ex-girlfriend... turns out it is. I planned on ignoring her, but she nudged me and I started a conversation. about my brother. insightful stuff.

#7

2010-11-07T09:15:00.000+01:00

TO DO LIST
or: get your lazy ass up
I'll list 10 things I want to have done until Christmas.
1. start to read Gone with the Wind. I haven't done so yet because I didn't take the time and these 1000 pages are a little daunting.
2. clean my room and keep it tidy
3. write Ulli Bögershausen, my favourite fingerstyle guitarist, a letter. handwritten. and get a reply.
4. lose weight - gosh I'm fat
5. make up my mind as to whether or not I want my hair cut
6. attend workout at least twice a week
7. get a new schoolbag
8. save money. be a frugal person. basically save money for my fictive trip to the USA
9. discover 10 new bands
10. go for sunday walks once in a while

#6

2010-11-06T16:12:00.000+01:00

in german, we have this saying about anticipation being the most beautiful kind of joy. I always thought schadenfreude was cooler. but not anymore.
looking forward to things can jolly me along for years! or months, or weeks. or days maybe. anything. the longer I have to wait for something cool to happen, the more I appreciate being able to go through life and experiencing all these moments. it's like becoming aware of the bright side of life. also, the more things you have to look forward to, the better is your life. nothing can bum you out so easily anymore because there's just always this gleam of hope.
I appreciate this.
becoming more and more aware that what is given to me is special and not everybody can live under the same standards we do, I appreciate everything in my life.

#5

2010-11-05T21:43:00.000+01:00

knitting is awesome. I'm no good at it, but it's ahweee-sum. in fact, I recalled how to do it after 7 or 8 years of not touching anything related to it which is awesome! ahweee-sum.
also, I figured I've been eating a lot of junk lately and that has to stop. now.
that'll be fine.
now back to knitting: recently, I've just felt a distinctive urge of knitting deep inside me. I used to abhor it. when my grandma, herself a passionate knitter, tried to teach me to do it at like age... hmm, probably like 5, I would throw a tantrum. she would try to bribe me with a chocolate bar. I loved chocolate. but I would even refuse this one, so I DEFINITELY didn't want to knit, hahaaha.

then in like 2nd and 3rd grade at school, I had to do it again. I would just always knit slowly at school so the teacher ended up telling me to catch up on it at home... and my mum would do it for me. the bit I'd knit was always sort of forced-looking whereas the bit (most of the whole thing, that is) my mum made looked absolutely pro.
back at school, the teacher would be like "yeah, this bit (mine)'s kinda bad, but here (mum's bit), you got the trick. awesome, good job.
haha.

in fact I don't actually like knitting that much. I'm just way too impatient. but I plan on knitting a hat, and that definitely has to be, say will be done.
I can reek the smell of a rotting mouse somewhere.

#4

2010-11-04T10:08:00.000+01:00

THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS ARE BEING INTERVIEWED ON SOME RADIO STATION TODAY AND LATER SIGN THEIR NEW BOOK THING! that's good news
good news are all around at the moment. I've been feeling good lately with no actual reason. I've made little changes in my daily schedule, theoretically at least, and I can't wait to put my plans into action next week. I'm so motivated to do more sports, I got my membership card yesterday and now I'm ready to get started!

I might feel better than I should. maybe it's not all that great. sometimes I think when I look at my plans and could fast forward my life, it'd be so much fun and exciting and whatnot. but, as James ILOVEYOUJAMES Mercer says, "the years have been short but the days were long"
looking back, everything was fun and I had a good time and all, but the pain-in-the-ass-days are almost always left out with hindsight. that's not too bad, in fact.
with november, general jolly-ness overcame me. I'm looking furrrward to Christmas, even though it's not all that great, I'm looking forward to walking home in the snow although I hate snow and I'm always either too cold or too hot and I'm looking forward to breathing in and out.

#3

2010-11-03T19:38:00.001+01:00

I'm such a nostalgic! maybe. not sure. however, I do bring in new things in my life real quick. I get accostumed to new situations easily and start to make new people a part of my life, as well as certain things I have for breakfast, or a bus route. this is actually quite useful. but.
once I leave my new environment, I start to miss people that I don't really know but made a good impression on me and whom I spent a good time with. basically everyone who was nice to me.
today at school I couldn't stop picturing this one person I met abroad coming to my school and saying hello to me like I was an old friend and they were happy to see me again. I seem to wish they like me as much as I like them...
is that weird?

#2

2010-11-02T17:01:00.000+01:00

I'm doing a good job posting daily so far! hee hee.
so what am I going to rant about now? MY BROTHER THE SLAUGHTER!
he's not actually a slaugther, but still that's what he does.
he's specialised on slaughtering music I love.
it's very, very annoying.
well, basically, I'm more into easy-going stuff in rock than this metal stuff he listens to. but seldom we find a song we both like, well he likes what he hears when listening to "my" music, that is, and downloads the song too in order to kill it slowly. by playing it OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
and then again and again and again and again and again and again and so on and then once more and again and again and again and ... again and again. and some more times.
as if this were the only existing song in life. ever.
I always end up hating my previous favorites.
thanks bro.

#1

2010-11-01T18:54:00.001+01:00

while yesterday, I was looking forward to posting my first november post of this year and could hardly wait for time to go by, I ran out of motivation quickly. so by now...
I'm sitting here not really knowing what to gossip about. I'm planning on updating my blog DAILY *ding ding ding* for a month with some rather insightful posts, but I just can't think of anything right now.
no, wait, I do have an idea now but I should go and study in order not to experience the same thing I did today...
my weekend's motto was "studying is overrated" - I figured I could still study for today afternoon's exam in lunchbreak. but holy cow it was BAD.
it was an exam about communication stuff, and there were questions like "what are the theses of samy moslo? list all of them and use at least three them to describe the following situation."
my immediate thoughts: who the heck is samy moslo, and what the heck are his or her theses. and wtf is this situation about.
this went on for every question. shite.
so, anyway, catchword for tomorrow and the day after tomorrow:
onwards and upwards
brightness yet to come
slaughter

that's enough to write about for almost the whole week. yeah.

OMG

2010-10-31T13:43:00.001+01:00

OMG IT'S HALLOWEEN TODAY AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HALLOWEEN IS ALL ABOUT

the vickers chick

2010-10-30T13:42:00.001+02:00

so this is the video of the day... Diana Vickers' My Wicked Heart performed live with subtitles.
the transcription is quite accurate.

2010-10-29T21:58:00.001+02:00

so my local university offers some kind of sports programme (a vast variety of different kinds of sports, everything one can imagine, that is) for people who go to local secondary schools - that would, amongst others, be me, then. and today I went to see some mixture of martial arts and aerobics I'm interested in, called kick power (which indeed is a stupid name)... and I loved it. I was dead after that one hour of active activity. lol.
but it was so much fun!

I'm a fucking fish baiter

2010-10-28T19:41:00.004+02:00

and I'm not, I repeat NOT proud. fucking bad person I am.
we had to take these fish home and train them for ethology purposes. well, I did that, then, and I did not fancy being an animal torturer, which I am now, so I bought a 20l-tank for them little fishes and felt proud to be letting them so much room rather than keeping them in the same little glass for ever.

already the next morning or so, one of them was dead. then, another one. and another one, and another one. all of them were dead, apparently something in the tank poisoned them. I took that item out and cleaned the whole damn thing, went to school and got me three new fish - which I thought would be the new era and a reason for me to cheer up after that disappointing first fish experience.
they were doing fine for a couple a days until this morning when I found the pregnant one of them dead on the bottom of the tank. I assumed it had wanted to give birth but failed.

when I came home from school today, a second one was dead. another fucking poisonous gadget in there? the one I'd just bought the other day? IT WAS FROM A PET SHOP, THAT STUFF SHOULD BE FINE!
and in this very minute, my last one is dying, too. it's a matter of hours until it'll be gone. it's slowly but surely losing its balance, it's soooo sad to watch, and I asshole am too fucking yellow to watch it. I just went out of the room. kill me.
I am stumped, absolutely at loss, in fact, I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.
I have tried to collect info on them and followed the advice I found, but they're fucking dying. I hate myself so much. all I wanted was be good to them. the opposite occurred - I'm sure NOT taking home more of these lads. I'm like that filthy Nazi bastard - promising a better life and ending up killing them

Sunset=Sunset von Thin Trip

2010-10-24T00:16:00.000+02:00

Sunset=Sunset von Thin Trip

it's like this music is a chalk and the single notes are hands
that draw the music on a chalkboard
one by one, coincidentally
up and down
back and forth
but never the same

and in the end, we got a drawing
it may resemble an ocean swirl or a field of flowers
each of them unique
because in the end
the music is what you make of it
and sunset does NOT equal sunset

it's incredible what music can do to humans.

was ist hier falsch?

2010-10-18T18:47:00.000+02:00

so my English teacher came to emend or check his results with a little help of MY PAPER this morning. awkward. he was like, "I don't have the key for this, what did you write here? 1 goes with d? OH, INTERESTING! right, that's possible too!"

birthday

2010-10-16T11:03:00.000+02:00

four years ago today I was lying on the grass next to the street, moaning and groaning and crying like a frog that'd been struck by something - except I was human

it's what my family calls my second birthday, and they even make a pie for me... to celebrate
what the fuck is there to celebrate

cat piss lakes

2010-10-15T23:32:00.002+02:00

don't feel like writing an entry
all I learned today is cat piss lakes suck

beautiful people

2010-10-07T22:37:00.002+02:00

there is still hope.
I think I should give mankind another chance.
here comes the sun.
I realised not everybody is an ignorant asshole.
strangers are friends I don't know yet.
I met some really cool people lately, many of them having the potential to become my friends.
a pity I'm leaving them after only two weeks.
beautiful, beautiful people they are.

(what caused me to write an entry like this? exactly, a picture and softie music)
sigh.

the girl

2010-10-05T21:31:00.002+02:00

It's about 4.15 in the afternoon. I've been hanging around by the seaside, just sitting there, overwhelmed by the beauty and power of water, watching the waves. the sky's been cloudy all day, nothing I'd mind too much - in contrast. the waves reaching the beach, spreading out and leaving wet spots in the sand when going back, all that feels so much more real without the ohsoglorious sun.
I'm waiting for the bus to get home. it finally arrives, and I find a seat in the back. I'm tired, concentrating on staying awake. I close my eyes just for a second. when I open them again, I notice the girl in front of me. she's about my age. she wears her red long hair in a bun so I can see little abrasions on her neck. she probably scratched pimples open, like I used to as well. after a while, she makes herself more comfortable by using the empty seat next to her as some sort of side table to put her feet on. she's wearing a striped cardigan, bootcut jeans that show her sharp knees - knees that are so tiny and lean they remember me of a 5-year-old - and dirty white sneakers.
and I wouldn't be writing about her if she hadn't been putting on make-up and making weird faces for the last few minutes. first, mascara. she uses a little mirror to put it on. she's good at doing this - the jolting bus doesn't bother her at all. then, this tuna-colored powder women put on their faces to prevent them from having a red face. how disgraceful would a RED FACE BE? really. ooh well...
she makes faces, accidentally. seems to be required to reach all the parts of her face. this keeps me interested. her face looks bitter. as if she'd been beaten and lost all her confidence in the world. general unhappiness surrounds her. she's not what I would call pretty, meaning she doesn't seem to be one of these posh kids who cry when they don't get a BMW for their 16th. she looks like a chav, a kid from the streets, and I begin to wonder who she's putting on make-up for. does she have a boyfriend? what is he like? is he a chav, too? and is she a chav at all? am I allowed to call everyone a chav? wouldn't that make myself one, too?
her face is all covered in this tuna-colored powder now. next is lipgloss. she puts it on carefully. looks like strawberry lipgloss. her thin lips make her look totally girly now. it doesn't match her clothes. a last glance at the mirror, and she puts her stuff back in her little black bag. then, she stands up, takes off her cardigan that, as I just noticed, has two brown stains on the right shoulder, and puts it around her tiny bag. then, she grabs her shirt which is way too loose for her body and ties a band around her belly to tighten it. then, she sits down again. feet on the seat next to her. she rolls up the right leg of her pants. I can see her pale shin now, covered by a white sock she pulls up. same with the other leg. I notice she's wearing two different socks - a white one and a black one. this makes me assume she's a working class kid who loves hanging around with her friends and bullying people. that bitter expression she has on her face amplifies my assumption.
just as I'm almost done judging her as an anti-social stupid brat who would probably kill me if she noticed me looking at her, she rolls up her left sleeve and touches her wrist. I see about seven parralel cuts, each about 4 centimeters long. they don't look like they've been there for too long.

don't forget to breathe!

2010-09-24T17:47:00.002+02:00

I'm 17 today. which is alright, I guess. happy birthday to me, I'm awesome, yeah yeah yeah so.
TOMORROW!!!! AAAAH! what used to be 5 months away is fast approaching, I'll be in Great Britain in less than 24 hours! AAAAAAH! I'm... not looking forward to it, which doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to it. I'm just nervous and hope I'll be fine and it's kind of a weird and new situation. I hope everything's right with my flight details because if not I might die. and I hope I'll be early enough and stuff.
Yesterday, I wanted to call my hostgrandparents to tell them when I'd arrive, but they (luckily) didn't answer the phone, so I left them a voice mail. It was surprisingly easy.
I'm going to miss my cats sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad! they're so fluffy I'm gonna die ;)
but it's exciting. wow. pheeewww.

tommy the sheep

2010-09-20T08:48:00.001+02:00

I wish I had something interesting to tell too. Like the people who run these blogs I read. They talk about their lives (which, admittedly, are more interesting than most of other people's at the moment.) And mine's just... this isn't a complaint or anything, just an explanation why this blog is boring to read. Oh, and next week, this is going to turn into a way too detailled diary, you'll see.
For now I'll just post songs that are especially important to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sW5UtZZrO5M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=308KpFZ4cT8&ob=av2n
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zc8aOzIEZBk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hhxthxhwk0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIM5M6FmnmY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A8A1yX1MmU

Furthermore, my godmother came to have dinner yesterday. I made pitas. it was delicious but when I was cooking she seemed to feel kind of out of place, and maybe a bit leery. haha. but yeah it was good. She's coming to Geneva with me in a week, yeeah!

heaven and sky

2010-09-14T20:28:00.006+02:00

today my neighbor died. and two months ago, his wife passed away.

this is horrible news, and it makes me even sadder to think of the family they left behind. imagine what it's like to lose two of your loved ones within two months? this must be... it's crazy.
while I am busy thinking about weird equations at school, people die! while I take notes of a movie, people's lives end. people take their last breath. it's absolutely weird to think about what different people do at the same time.
life's so random at times. he, old and ill as he was, thought there was nothing left for him and he was ready to die.
and while I was walking outside today and looked into the sky, I wondered...

...whether if he had seen this sunset, would he have changed his mind? I'm sure this was the sky's farewell gift for him.

yessss

2010-09-10T23:31:00.001+02:00

like... the shittiest week ever is over - I had 3 exams that I most definitely failed but I couldn't care less. I'll worry about the consequences later. what does it matter.
I was on this diet this week, I just avoided any kind of food that has weird ingredients. it was easy for me until tonight when I couldn't resist anymore :(
but hey, 5 days of carrots and rye bread and that's pretty much everything I ate this week is kinda good!
today I invited my godmother for dinner and she'll come over in a week. I miss and love her so much, so YESSSS. and then.... yeah I'm soon going to England

sadness all around

2010-09-07T22:29:00.002+02:00

my mum is sad. I realised it. she might not have known until I told today her because she hides behind this mask of apathy. I am now sure she's not in love with dad anymore. tomorrow is their 20th wedding anniversary. me and my brothers wanted to surprise them with something totally kickass to celebrate, but I'm happy we didn't organize anything. because they don't care.
I found out they have problems in their marriage they just ignore and accept. it's not that they yell at each other, but there are just little things that sum up and become a whole, heavy boulder. they swallow it and live with it. maybe I was too much of a nag the whole time, I wanted them to celebrate, go out and spend a nice weekend to reminisce over their past 20 years they had together, but they're both just like 'it's a regular day.'
because neither of them made any effort to make this day a special day, I decided I'd just cook for them. my mum wasn't happy about it. she says, if dad can't be bothered to go out with her, why would they eat at home. so she wants him to invite her, but then again he's like... meeeeeeeeraaahhww. it's difficult.
however I kept nagging to find out if they were going out or if I'd cook for them to make sure they had at least something a little solemn, and I ended up having this conversation with mum. she's disappointed in her husband. that makes me sad. because she is sad. and she doesn't want to do anything about it - she says as long as they get along, things are fine.
but...

when art takes less than two minutes

2010-09-04T19:14:00.003+02:00

fall up
speed down
slow up
stand down
hot fish
cold turkey
I had your smile for lunch
burp

can you tell I'm foncused?

okay, I'll clear the air now.

2010-09-04T09:27:00.002+02:00

I'm finally going to confess this one thing.
it surely won't be easy.
but I just have to come to terms with it.
everybody should.

I like my eyebrows.

ALRIGHT?

just letting you know

2010-09-02T20:13:00.003+02:00

that
I HAVE A HOST FAMILY!
and our science teacher today was awesome, hahahaha
we're currently naming some weird constellations of weird hexane things. and he asked us what this and that part of the word meant, like tri-cyclo-decyl-di-methanol-di-hexane
so he asked us what tri meant, and everybody said "three", then cyclo "circle" and so on, and when we got to hex, he was so happy everybody had correctly answered the previous questions that he mixed things up and ended up asking in a loud and happy voice, "WHAT IS SEX?" everybody started laughing, and he turned the class his back and was all embarrassed, it was hilarious. he then tapped himself on the head, like ooohh that was stupid. hahahaha

ooh glorious september

2010-09-01T19:51:00.005+02:00

I love this month. for no real reason. it's the month of my brithday and all, but I don't especially like september because of that. anyway, it's been a while since my last real blog entry, and since quite a few things have happened I'll make a list.
1. I still have this unaware of myself kind of feeling
2. that girl at school, earlier on referred to as the -girl, is bad vibing my life. I'm in a bad mood all the time due to her and trying to hold my temper desperately to prevent a major bitch war.
3. I wanted to go shopping today and ended up being depressed.
4. yesterday I babysat this 7-year-old girl who I hadn't seen in ages and I'm surprised at how much she's matured.
that's pretty much what's been going on, along with struggles at school and all.

so where do I start. as you can read from my previous post, I'm in a state of missing people being around me. people I like. like my godmother who is just.... she's so awesome, introduced me to traveling, she's reasonable and confident and just kind, I love her. but haven't seen her in a while. so I wanted to call her but she said she'd rather talk next week. I'm looking forward to it.
also, I miss these kids. my heart melted when I first met them. children are so smart yet untroubled, it's GORGEOUS.
basically I miss people who like me for real and don't gossip behind my back. I'm not being nobodylovesme, but it's something I noticed. people at school, my former best friend in particular, PISS ME OFF. I'm seriously sick of her. she makes me feel bad and uncomfortable when she's around. and that's just not good. but I can't talk to her about her behavior because it's all been there before and it'd just end up in a war.
but oh well.

then yesterday. babysitting. the mum of this girl asked me whether I could babysit her daughter while she was away, and I agreed. my family'd babysat her before, for 5 years actually, until she started school. this means we saw her grow and learn and mature until she was 5. then we kind of lost touch, I didn't meet her a lot (and when I did, she was still a brat, in a good way) so I was kind of shocked to see how much she had matured and grown. she has her own brain now, and I have to take her seriously because she knows what she says. not just mämä bubu lala anymore. it was just... weird to see she had a miley cyrus and miranda cosgrow (how do you spell her name?) poster in her room and has become all girly.

and finally today. since it's september which I love, it's getting colder outside. and I don't have a coat yet. so I wanted to go buy one today. when I accidentally told my friend I was going shopping (I prefer going alone) she asked me whether she could come with me. I said no, and she accepted.
it was a disaster. holy moly. I found some pretty nice ones, but since I'm a big girl I looked like a moron in them. and mostly when I tried one on, I was already happy and willing to buy when I realised my breasts just didn't fit in. most of the coats were too narrow around up there. so annoying. when you find a nice coat and your tits just won't fit in. I hated it. AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH.
frustrated as I was, I just went to men's compartment of H&M and tried on a striped zip-up hoodie. I took size XL . it was way too loose! yes! at least something.
but it made me look fat(ter), so I put it back. and got me the most comfortable jogging pants ever.

Today I miss

2010-08-30T22:16:00.002+02:00

Today I miss the little american kids I went on a trip with they're SO CUTE I could cry seriously
I miss my godmother who is the best person ever
I hate the -girl
I am unaware of myself
I figured there's no such thing as a point in being
sometimes I feel like it's weird and pointless I have a body and walk around

reign

2010-08-22T00:12:00.000+02:00

every single citizen of this planet should have the possibility to be the president of the world for one day. some only for 5 minutes because they'd cause too much trouble in one day. that wouldn't be an awfully bad idea, would it? nowadays, everybody wants to be heard because everybody knows it better.
you don't, you say?
not too sure. I mean why do people always have to criticize the way the president of the USA acts? because they think he's doing wrong. and they would do it differently. everybody thinks that way.
I find myself sympathising with that concept whenever my dad talks to somebody. especially my uncle. they're fine with each other but still desperately try to add something to what the other'd said to look smarter. one of them always knows it better. strange how there are still so many disadvantaged people in this world when most of the population of the wealthier world know how to make a change.
it must be easier to shout out loud and criticize in the masses than stand out.

lists are cool

2010-08-19T20:12:00.000+02:00

which means you get another one right now:
1) today at school, in science class to be precise, our teacher told us we were "poor little abused..." he didn't complete the sentence. it was funny. he was in a really good mood because he'd drunk a bottle of wine with our biology teacher just before the lesson.

2) I'm already NOT doing math homework which isn't that good for my future
3) I'm totally NOT spending my time with digitizing the notes I took in biology class and sending it to others just because they weren't there on that specific day. I feel they're relying on me too much and when I feel urged to do something, I just don't do it. things are simple.

people who sit next to me on the bus

2010-08-17T18:19:00.004+02:00

monday: the burqa chick
tuesday: the fat old confused smelly man and this woman who made out with her husband as we rode
wednesday: a man who made me wonder why I called the guy yesterday smelly. the lad today had black hair growing out of his ears and smelt of sweat so bad. I had to turn my head to survive
thursday: a lovely seeming elderly lady
friday: my friend

sunday afternoon

2010-08-15T16:44:00.000+02:00

so it's my parent's 20th wedding annivesary real soon. I kind of want this day to be something special, not like every other year they didn't really do anything to celebrate it. and I make suggestions on what they could do, like go on a holiday for a few days or go on a helicopter pleasure flight (me and my brothers would pay), but they're way too reluctant. they don't want to do anything. maybe, I thought, we could just pay them a romantic dinner in a nearby restaurant of their choice, but they don't want to accept that, either. my mum said she hopes dad is going to take her out, but when I went to ask him in which restaurant he wanted to invite her, he was like 'don't know.' he said it with this "mind your business" tone in his voice. I also suggested I could cook for them but I think they should just be on their own. so maybe next time. I know I'm a little stalker.
also, today we went for a walk. and some happenings on this walk made me wonder if they are still in love with each other or if they just sleep in the same bed and are married because it's never been any different. my mum said something about her top being a bit too loose or whatever, and my dad just went "you're never satisfied with anything, are you? always complaining about something. you must have some pretty bad complexes."
that's just total exaggeration! my dad is good at dropping bombs at totally random and improper occasions. I've noticed that. he often rails at my brother and makes mountains out of molehills because he doesn't seem to feel when it'd be good to say something and when not. just like the thing with that top.
accusations then went back and forth, and I just encouraged them to talk about what disturbed them about the other and added that if they wanted to start a conjugal war, I'd leave them alone. we spent the rest of the walk in silence.

complaining a bit

2010-08-14T20:44:00.001+02:00

I feel so... apathetic right now.
the day after tomorrow, I'm going to delve into school for another year again. and it's fine. I mean, do I have a choice? no. I've pretty much come to terms with that. I'm finally going to see my friends again, who will make everything more enjoyable. but I'll also have to face the first encounter with this girl I've been having problems with recently. we'll have to talk so we can get along again, if we'll ever get along again, and I just don't know what to expect. what will she accuse me of, how shall I explain my thoughts to her. there's something about her she can't change (yes she could) that disturbs me.
I never had to have such a conversation before. so... I'm like... not looking forward to it so much. we haven't seen each other in 6 weeks, the last time I briefly met her, she just completely ignored me, and yeeah. I used to try to talk to hear, or just ask a question like "are you going to this festival now? I'm sure it'll be cool" just to... break the silence, and she just wouldn't answer. what can I do then? I assume I pretty much fucked this friendship up. with her help. I'm even planning on going on a different train so I won't be there to disturb her and she'll be able to blaspheme in public. I'm kind of disappointed. it's like breaking up and then (maybe) getting together again. just not the same standard of confidence.

random list of words

2010-08-14T00:11:00.001+02:00

1) consecrated
2) devout
3) to devour
4) desecration
5) to disintegrate
6) oblivion
7) simultaneous
8) to mourn sth
9) to intertwine
10) resigned to
11) to riddle
12) elapse
13) obnoxious

I hate mondays

2010-08-13T23:33:00.005+02:00

the first mondays after a one-and-a-half-month long break of school especially. but it's awaiting me. I can't escape it. august 16th. my second year of secondary school starts. it is said to be the toughest one ever. yes, of course I am looking forward to it!
BUT I DON'T WAAAAANT TOOOO! I'm so lazy. I did nothing except for sleep until noon everyday (yeah I'm exaggerating), and now I'll be asked to get up at 5:30 am daily. and... I DON'T WAAAANT TOOOO!
but I need to try my best. I need - to. try. my. best. I need to try my best. I need to make it. uuugh. no I'm not really motivated. or well, actually I am. I'm like, come on you'll make it. you'll automatically want to study more to defeat your enemies maths and science (and many more, little explanation: I'm starting the second year of secondary school which is the year that pretty much decides over if you flunk or not, if the 12 years of school in your live were worth it or if you could've done something else instead, and I didn't do too well last year so...) I have to. no choice. it's sooooo well worth it. but the problem is, it is tough. very tough. and while you're going to school every day and have to face these problems every day, you forget how much it is worth. "laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction", anne frank would say. she's right. but still.
what I am looking forward to about school is that my days will finally be structured again. and have a schedule. but still.

trips and nice people

2010-08-12T10:54:00.002+02:00

I feel like sharing that I was on... AAAH IT JUST STARTED TO RAIN OUTSIDE, LOVE IT!
...on this trip over the weekend. with my friend's family and another family who they are friends with. does that make sense? haha
however, it was awesome and I had like the best weekend of my whole summer vacation. we went to Ticino, where we stayed in a cabin made of stones (lovely, I tell you) from where we had the best view on a lake since the beginning of mankind. proof:

what I did there all day was basically... sleep, enjoy the view and play with the little kids who were there too. I think they're my favorite kids ever, way too cute and smart and fun. maybe I especially liked them because they speak English and it sounds soooooo cute when they say something. I tell you. awwwwww.
we went on a hike once, which I'd expected to be... boring, you know? but I ended up having a great time. on our way back to the cabin, we were like 3 little groups walking home; there were me and JJB (that's what he told me his nickname was), then JJB's father and sister, then way back my friend with her father and sister. yeeah. so JJB wanted to be home first, so he always said "wanna pick up the pace?" and I didn't understand what he meant so I just said "ok". I then found out what it meant, kind of, as he started to run as soon as I'd replied. it means go faster. YAY, learned something new! actually two new things. that, and "stick to one's guns". what a salutary hike that was!
no, wait, I learned even more than that. late at night when the kids were sleeping already, the rest of us were outside with our head tilted back so we could watch the shooting stars. (new word as well!) we saw like... if you count all of them together, there were maybe 10 of them. wonderful night. I missed the most beautiful ones, though. everytime the others OOOOH-d and AAAAH-d, I knew I shouldn't have been watching the sparkling lights nearby the lake. but they were nice to watch, too!
unfortunately I hadn't brought enough clothes and my train ticket wasn't valid any longer than until Monday. this means I had to go home. well, I sure could have stayed until Wednesday, but I know I wouldn't have felt too comfortable wearing the same two shirts over and over again. so after a day by the lake, swimming and all (YAY for this mattress they'd brought!) I was taken to the station, were I was lucky to catch a train like two minutes after I'd been dropped off there. I didn't know when the next one'd leave, so I went into this office at 15:43, checked the timetable and saw that I had 2 minutes to find it. I didn't want to hop on the wrong train, mainly because I can't speak italian and wouldn't have been able to... whatever. I just didn't feel like hopping on the wrong train and end up going to Italy or China, if you see what I mean. so I asked some orange guy who worked there, and asked "is this train *points on it* going to Lucerne?" I could tell he hadn't understood one word except for Lucerne, but that was enough, so he said "siiii. un minuto." and then told me to hurry or something because I was still taking things slow. just as I'd found an empty seat (I seemed to be the only one who wanted to leave beautiful Ticino, nobody was on the train!), the train left. and my journey began. it took me 5 hours to get home. but it was nice, time went by fast. in Lucerne, I had to change trains and hopped on one I'd never seen before. the seats were grey and red, but I was used to them being blue, you know?
my first thought was, maybe I'm in first class. but then I looked around and saw people like me sitting there and thought naaaah these people sure don't have a first class train ticket (that's mean right? stereotype)
second thing that made me suspicious, there weren't many people on the train. my explanation: rush hour was over. and also, I was convinced I'd gone into the 2nd class part of the train. the seats were stained and newspapers were laying around, that's not what I imagined first class to be like!
after about half of the jouney, the conductor came to check our tickets. he looked at mine for a long time, and I thought that was because he wasn't sure about if it was still valid or not. but then he said in a really low and insecure voice, as if he'd been afraid of telling me because he thought I'd shoot him or something, "Sie... sitzen... in...erste....Klasse..." which means "you're sitting in first class." I'd kind of expected this, but I still pretended to be very surprised, and he bought it. actually he should have given me a fine, but he didn't. that was really nice of him.

stereotypes

2010-08-12T00:01:00.001+02:00

don't we all love them?

if I were to choose one thing to ban and say goodbye to in my life, it'd be the good ole stereotypes. I can't think of anything that annoys me as much.

well, admittedly: I can't say I myself never judge people and make me an image of them based on a shallow first impression. doing this is just a human... reflex? to a certain extent.

but people at school always stereotype me. it's horrible. it may be true that I like to stick to my opinions, it may be true that they used to be either that something's VERY good or VERY bad, no middle thing, and yeah it may be true that I suck at maths and am good at English! so far so good.

people from my old school who happen to be in the same class as I am in now at secondary school (basically half of my former classmates) have this picture of me. the one I described above. and instead of giving the new classmates and me the chance of getting to know me themselves, they were basically like "this is Daniela she always has 6's in English and is the worst mathematician you'll ever meet and she thinks squirrels are good but she absolutely hates foreigners and she's totally into cream cheese (whatever, made this one up)" fine. do that. but unfortunately the people they told this then thought they already knew what I was like and talked to me as if they.... as if they had experienced or witnessed any of said stereotypes. way before we even took our first English test, they said "oh Daniela don't worry you'll be the best just as usual."

hello? did I miss something?

I hope you see what I mean, dear reader. whenever there was something in the news about... whatever, something bad that happened, be it politics be it anything, they were like "this just fits you perfectly" and when they gave me the article to read it I was like hoooooly moly what do these people think of me? well I might be kind of mischievous at times and stuff. I don't even know myself. and they, people I've known for barely a year now, think they do. fine, it's interesting to hear what I'm like, good you know it better so I don't have to find out about it myself. my opinion on something is known before I actually say something, good good. this isn't really fun, you know? only because I'm sort of mean sometimes (not mean in a bad way!), it doesn't mean I like everything bad that happens. I'm not stubborn or anything, I don't fit in a certain group of people who always have the same opinion on politics or something, I'm not always only democrat or republican, I'm just me. people don't seem to have noticed that just yet.

though... I guess it's my mistake, partly.

beeecause I'm always being witty at school. at home too. I'm always being witty most of the time. that makes people like me when they got to know me better (some have a hard time dealing with my sarcasm which, admittedly, is my bestest friend when talking) BUT a pretty big problem I have noticed is that nobody takes me seriously anymore. when I say something I actually mean, they already smile at me waiting for something totally silly to come out of my mouth. they expect me to make another hilarious comment on life. it's just not like this, you know? and even if I say afterwards "I mean it." they try to make me say "JUST KIDDING, FOOLED Y'ALL" and won't ever believe me.

this is why I started to be more thoughtful and like to be on my own. I know what's going on with me and I know when I'm being serious or witty, so that's all good.
I guess I'll just let everybody think about me what they want. all I know is I won't try to show them what I'm really like. it's too sophisticated for their brains to deal with. I'm not trying to make myself look mysterious or different or anything by saying this, but if they think I'm only like the famous picture they have of me... nevermind I guess. you can't just put me in only ONE drawer.
discussing this thing here on stadium-arcadium.com, I feel like posting Lindsey's opinion right here which is just awesome and I can relate to it like 100%...:
"stereotypes are kind of annoying, yes. I just don't really care what people portray me as because I'm too stuck in my own little world to realize. but...really... at least I'm true to myself and what I am, unlike other people who put on a damn show for everyone in their immediate view."

john frusciante

2010-08-11T00:54:00.002+02:00

I have one of these John Frusciante awesomeness awareness moments. I feel like saying that he's the most important person ever to me. outside my family, of course.
his music and attitude towards life have affected me so much. and changed to the better. meeaaawashamababoolo. he is just great. be grateful I have him everybody...


john frusciante. yeah, yeah, yeah. thanks for existing bud... really

I can make a list of my most loved things in live so you can see how high up he is.
1) cats
2) family (why are cats first? well, when I've been on holidays for a week or so I started missing them fluffy creatures before any human being.)
3) john frusciante, which also includes music in general. mainly his music. it's more than just music.
4) the feeling of satisfaction
5) yoghurt
6) books
7) conversations
8) other people
9) being on my own
10) being one of the persons I consider to be true to themselves
11) my iPod
12) travelling
13) admittedly, the internets.

my love for John is something that can only be understood by people who feel the same. it's like he's one of my best friends because he's always around and means so much to me. keeps me dreamin'.

...and keeps me changin'. I've noticed there's some sort of evolution going on with me. I don't mean the desperate evolution 12-year-olds witness à la "help, I'm growing boobs and pubic hair!" but more like mental growth. psychological maturation. my view on things has changed. and people I used to have fun hanging out with start to kind of... bore me. I already posted something about being a loner, and yeah the period of loving to have friends around me has kind of ended. they don't notice I'm changing. not that I'd blame them, but still, I don't like them because they seldom take me seriously. that's something I'll tell you about later.

dear diary

2010-07-25T19:00:00.002+02:00

"for Daniela's 10th birthday from aunt Verena."
that's what's written on the first page of my diary I've owned for nearly 7 years. I haven't written a lot of things in there, unfortunately. and most of the entries go something like "dear diary, today nothing worth mentioning happened. 3.6.03."
I don't know why I was given this red little book. but I decided to use it, obviously. at first, my entries were just like described above, but as time went by I started discovering the purpose of a diary a little more. I mean, others weren't allowed to read it anymore, I hid it under my pillow and that shit. I began to write about my feelings, my problems. school. quarrels. and therefore my brother. hell, he used to be the reason I wanted to be able to kill a person just by looking at him. sometimes, he still is. he was the worst brother that's ever lived for sure - who else would make you want to slit his throat here and now, tell your whole family that you hope he'll die soon and drench his toothbrush in toilet water?
an excerpt from... I realised I didn't even note the date in my anger. but I remember it must have been on May 15th 2004.
"dear diary. I hate Martin so much. he destroys everything I love and he calls me [censored]. I'm always happy when he's not here. I just want to hit him in the face SO BAD. if I could, I'd spoil his childhood just as he destroys mine. all these years would have been so much better without him. we fight about 300 days a year, on the other 65 he just uses me. as for my parents, what they need is much more clout. I know you'll mock me after reading this, but Martin, you destroy my damn childhood. screw you, go die. your disappointed sister, Daniela (at age 10, editor's note)."
then, a few random notes again. then nothing for years. my next entry is from 2008, where I'm just telling the major events that have changed my life so far. after that, school. I'm only talking about how tough school is.
why the gap between those entries? well, my brother once found my diary and read the entry I was really sensitive about. it was really a secret between me and my diary, you know? he told my parents. I tried to make him stop by hitting him while he spoke. but my parents heard it. I've never been more embarrassed in my life. I didn't want to talk about what everybody knew now, so I ran away. hid. I was gone for so long they started to worry about me. I was hiding near the forest, crying. if only this damn cunt died. if only I could be the one to end his life. I wouldn't be sad. he didn't only put me into embarrassment but also affected the relation I had to my diary. it wasn't safe anymore, people read it. if I hid it, they'd look for it and find it.
the worst about him reading was that he didn't only read it and put it back into the cupboard where he'd found it so I wouldn't realise he'd read it, no. he made comments on what I'd written. not nice ones. he mocked my feelings by doing this. and that, yes, that hurt.
so I locked it away. until I forgot I actually owned a diary. years later, I found it again, read the entries and was blown away. because the relation I have with my brother is better now. I'll never forget the anger, never forget how he made me feel. also, it was interesting to find this one again. not much content, but still an excerpt of my life, my feelings at age 10. I decided to keep writing - but in English. nobody in my family speaks English. in your face, dear mum, dad and bros.

random. pointless. me.

2010-07-23T22:46:00.002+02:00

I'm becoming quite good at writing stuff that makes no sense, see here:

accidentally on purpose
mother earth once slit her throat
she did it to stay rock n’ roll
wherever she may roam

she lost her right to fulfill
dreams formed in the sand
was knocked down by the waiters
in front of Disneyland

I started writing poetry only about... almost a year ago, inspired by lovely stadium-arcadium.com community. I loved my first tries, used to be so proud of what I'd done, but this feeling called satisfaction has fully disappeared and looking back, I think my work then was crap. out of the maybe 40 poems I wrote, there are maybe 5 I still kind of like, the rest is crap. transience right here! it's funny all my friends were so impressed by my poor rhyming skills they actually even told me their parents had read it too and stuff, but instead of making me proud this put me fully into embarrassment. I was like, oh shit please don't tell me people read this stuff. OH NOES. so I took them off facebook and now they're not available for the public anymore. and it feels better for me. because as already mentioned, my own work doesn't appeal to me anymore. and when I do try it, this is what comes out... nonsense